Mom

 thanksgiving 2011 in vermont

one of the reasons i decided to take the plunge and start blogging was because i felt like i needed to talk to someone.  not anyone in particular, just anyone.  i mentioned in my first post that i lost my mom this year to leukemia.  she died on january 1.  it's been almost a year and it feels harder now than it did in those first weeks and months.

i miss her.  i miss her daily phone calls (even when they came at the most inconvenient times).
i miss going to her house and seeing her puttering around her kitchen.  that's her in the picture above puttering around my sister's kitchen last thanksgiving.  she was always doing something, never sat still.  we called her the great white - always moving.
i miss the sweet little cards she would always send the kids for easter or halloween (always with a little surprise inside for them).  even though she lived 10 minutes away and would see the kids all the time, she always sent cards for them in the mail.
i miss the coupons she would always clip out of the paper and save for me.
i miss our little shopping trips - and how she always had to put on her lip gloss and take a sip of her water bottle before we got out of the car.
i miss her voice, her smell, her hugs, her laughter.  i miss my mom.

not a day goes by that i don't wake up thinking of her.  i know that life on earth is finite but that we have eternal life in heaven. i believe i will see her again someday.  i'm relieved she did not suffer much and that we were able to say goodbye.  but there are still unresolved feelings. things i don't want to forget but are so painful to remember.  life goes on and that is both a blessing and a curse.

i am thankful for this life.  i consider myself lucky to have the family i have, to have had my mom for the 42 years i did.  the hard part is moving forward everyday without her.  it doesn't seem fair that she isn't going to be here to see my kids grow up.  my dad lost his best friend, his wife of almost 45 years.  how can that be God's plan?  yet i have to believe that it is.  my faith has been shaken but and tested but i am still clinging to it. faith is what gets me through the saddest times, the days when my heart aches for what is no longer. 

christmas day 2011  

with the holiday season upon us, i am trying desperately to focus on the true meaning of the season, to make christmas more meaningful for all of us.  there will undoubtedly be a big void in our holiday this year but i can still find happiness if i put the focus where it should be-  simple joys, time with loved ones, helping others, and most importantly,  the birth of a saviour.  

this boy

this boy is my first born.  he made me a mother.  i love him more than words can describe.  those green eyes are mesmerizing. 
he was a pretty easy baby even if i didn't realize it at the time.  i was 32 when i had him.  my whole life, all i ever wanted was to get married and have babies.  i didn't expect to have him so quickly after rob and i got married but that's what happened and i was overjoyed.  i worked as a sixth grade teacher and knew that once i became a mother, i wouldn't be going back to work (at least not for many years).  i wanted to stay home and take care of my babies.  almost 11 years later and i'm still not back to teaching.  i consider myself lucky and priveleged to be able to be a mother and to focus all my time and efforts on taking good care of my family (except the days when i don't but we all have days like that)!

this is the scream costume i referred to in my earlier halloween post.  you see, my son has a way of getting what he wants.  he is relentless persistent.  i could no more talk him out of this costume then i could convince him that the moon is made of cheese (he's too smart to believe that one!).  

he loves to make people laugh.  his humor tends toward the bathroom sort (as with most 10 year old boys) but he actually has a great sense of (more mature) humor too.  and he has the best belly laugh - always has.  When he was 4 or 5 months old, he would just laugh and laugh.  people used to comment on it then and he still has the same belly-laugh now if you can get him going. 

 this is is sister.  they are 18 months apart. i wanted my kids close together so they could grow up together as best friends.  when they were younger, they were very close.  now they have their battles but i know there is love there.  "the boy"  especially likes to make her laugh.  she finds him incredibly more funny than he actually is sometimes but i think she wants to give him what he wants.  their relationship isn't always what i envisioned but it is theirs.  and they do love each other.  when maggie got her ears pierced this summer, he was very concerned it was going to hurt her.  he kept saying, "i think i'll wait outside" or "do you think it's really going to hurt.  is she going to cry?"
not the "is she going to cry?" because he would enjoy it but because he really didn't want to see her hurt.
i have great hope for their relationship and i know as they get older, they will enjoy having each other to talk to, go to for advice, and maybe even unite in their shared embarrassment over their parents! 

this is a picture of them when we brought maggie home from the hospital.  he was very cautiously intrigued.  he was a great big brother and i know hope someday, he will embrace that role again.

my mattman, as we like to call him, is very sensitive.  he feels things deeply but doesn't always know how to express his feelings.  sometimes, this means he can be moody, or grumpy, or emotional and we don't always know why.

this year was a hard one for him.  he lost his nana on january 1.  i remember when i got the call to go to the hospital on new year's eve.  things looked bad and my sister and dad were on their way.  i hung up the phone - it was late, almost 9 o'clock (late for us anyway, even if it was new year's eve).  we had planned to go up early in the morning to meet with her doctors but they called to let us know we should come right away.  i tried to hold it together in front of him but he could see on my face something was wrong.  he started to cry and i told him it would be okay.  i hated to leave him upset but i had to go quickly so rob stayed home to be with matt (maggie was at a friend's house)

my mom passed away in the early hours of new year's day.  i got home at around 4 and went to bed.  i heard matt wake up and run downstairs and i heard him start to cry.  of course he asked about nana right away and rob broke the news.  he was heartbroken.  we hugged a lot and cried a lot.

he was so good over the next few days.  he wore whatever i told him for the wake and funeral (and he's usually very fussy about his clothes).  things were chaotic, people coming and going, and the kids being shuffled around a lot as we made the arrangements.  
his first ever wake and funeral was for his beloved nana.  it's a lot for anyone to take.  all this came just days before his 10th birthday.  after the funeral, and all the company had left, i realized i hadn't planned anything for his birthday which was just 1 day after the funeral.  i quickly got a cake and wrapped his presents (which thankfully i already had) and we celebrated his special day.  
he happily blew out the candles and opened his gifts.  there was a huge void without my mom there but we all got through it.  i hate that his 10th birthday was somewhat of an afterthought but i love that he never made me feel bad or complained, my sweet boy.

this boy also loves baseball, wearing shorts (no matter what the weather), and the beach.  here he is last easter wearing his baseball uniform (notice the shorts).  he's a great pitcher and helped his team win the league championship last year.  he's very hard on himself and has trouble accepting a compliment yet will tell you he's the best at everything ; ) the boy is a mass of contradictions!

this summer, we scattered some of mom's ashes at the beach where she grew up and we vacation every year.  it was a sad day and matt wandered off by himself to skip rocks.  he was very proud to tell me he had taught nana how to skip rocks (i think she may have already known but she humored him).  i hope he always remembers her and how she loved him.  how she listened to him and knew him so well.  the fun games she made up, the little gifts and cards she always gave.  

and i hope he knows how much he is loved, how special he is, how he changed my world and stole my heart from the first moment.  meg's baby boy - i will always love you!

Thankful Month

i've noticed a lot of my friends on facebook have started listing something they are thankful for each day in november.  
i think it's a great idea.  actually, last month i started a thankful journal.  i was inspired by the book one thousand gifts.  i haven't finished it yet unfortunately because i seem to fall asleep 5 minutes after i open the book (i usually read at night in my bed - it's the only time i have peace and quiet and feel like i can take the time for myself).  
i'm struggling a bit with filling the pages.  i am very thankful for the many blessings in my life but i'm trying to really focus on the everyday little things. to be more aware of the beauty around me and the small things that make me smile or catch my breath.  
this can be tricky when i'm also struggling with the pain of losing my mother and the upcoming holidays, our first without her.  it is my intention this year to put the focus on simplicity, family, and faith rather than the commercialized more secular side of things.  
so instead of publicly declaring what i am thankful for each day on facebook (though i love seeing these posts), i have turned our kitchen chalkboard wall into a thankful wall.  i started it and have asked that everyone add to it each day (maggie has embraced this idea - matt is going to take some coaxing).

notice the larger than necessary "video games"?  i thought about erasing it but decided that, in his 10 year old world, video games are a gift.  plus i didn't want  to discourage him from adding to our list.  i'm hoping he will come up with some more meaningful ideas before we end the month.

another thing i've been doing is writing a different verse from the Bible on the chalkboard tray i have in my living room.  just to familiarize the kids with them and as a daily reminder of the presence of God in our lives.  i admit i haven't done a very good job of that so far but i'm certain that it's not too late.  

this is our verse for this month.  that's my thankful journal in front.  i've also started reading from "The Message" bible.  i have several versions and alternate among them but this one really helps when i'm struggling to understand.  

i hope you are finding lots of things to be thankful for this month.  these 2 are at the top of my list.

 and this guy who loves me so well

and my beautiful mom (with dad last Thanksgiving)

as hard as it is without her, i know i was blessed to have her for my mom, and i am thankful for her example of love, strength, sacrifice, and grace.