Mom

 thanksgiving 2011 in vermont

one of the reasons i decided to take the plunge and start blogging was because i felt like i needed to talk to someone.  not anyone in particular, just anyone.  i mentioned in my first post that i lost my mom this year to leukemia.  she died on january 1.  it's been almost a year and it feels harder now than it did in those first weeks and months.

i miss her.  i miss her daily phone calls (even when they came at the most inconvenient times).
i miss going to her house and seeing her puttering around her kitchen.  that's her in the picture above puttering around my sister's kitchen last thanksgiving.  she was always doing something, never sat still.  we called her the great white - always moving.
i miss the sweet little cards she would always send the kids for easter or halloween (always with a little surprise inside for them).  even though she lived 10 minutes away and would see the kids all the time, she always sent cards for them in the mail.
i miss the coupons she would always clip out of the paper and save for me.
i miss our little shopping trips - and how she always had to put on her lip gloss and take a sip of her water bottle before we got out of the car.
i miss her voice, her smell, her hugs, her laughter.  i miss my mom.

not a day goes by that i don't wake up thinking of her.  i know that life on earth is finite but that we have eternal life in heaven. i believe i will see her again someday.  i'm relieved she did not suffer much and that we were able to say goodbye.  but there are still unresolved feelings. things i don't want to forget but are so painful to remember.  life goes on and that is both a blessing and a curse.

i am thankful for this life.  i consider myself lucky to have the family i have, to have had my mom for the 42 years i did.  the hard part is moving forward everyday without her.  it doesn't seem fair that she isn't going to be here to see my kids grow up.  my dad lost his best friend, his wife of almost 45 years.  how can that be God's plan?  yet i have to believe that it is.  my faith has been shaken but and tested but i am still clinging to it. faith is what gets me through the saddest times, the days when my heart aches for what is no longer. 

christmas day 2011  

with the holiday season upon us, i am trying desperately to focus on the true meaning of the season, to make christmas more meaningful for all of us.  there will undoubtedly be a big void in our holiday this year but i can still find happiness if i put the focus where it should be-  simple joys, time with loved ones, helping others, and most importantly,  the birth of a saviour.