that time i went to kansas (part one)

in my last post, i mentioned i was going on an adventure to craft weekend.  if you don't know what craft weekend is, check it out here.  if you do know, then you're probably dying to hear all about it.  one of the things i learned from my co-crafters is that we're all part of a special club.  a group of women who've experienced this amazing weekend, who've dreamed about going to the craft house, meeting meg and kimberlee, and shopping at bearly maken it.  of the ruffled apron, the cinnamon rolls, the sewing and cutting and hot gluing and the late nights.  it sounds crazy to people who've never read meg's blog but to those of us who have followed her blog, it's a dream come true.  

my journey started early friday morning when my husband brought me to the airport. i left from providence and had 3 flights total to get to wichita. and a tight window to make my first connection.  unfortunately, my first flight was delayed an hour which set into motion a chain of events that would have me spending about 17 hours in airports or in the air. missed connections, cancelled flights, and frantic texts to my husband and to kimberlee (bless her for calling me and calming me down when i considered just turning around and going home) over the course of the day (and into the night) until i finally landed in wichita at 10:45 (which was 11:45 my time).  i was so happy to see kimberlee and sara jane (one of the two fabulous helpers for the weekend) waiting for me but so sad that i missed the first 7 hours of the weekend.  at one point while waiting in chicago, i checked my instagram and saw the posts from the ladies who were already there and nearly cried.  ok, i actually cried a little but it wasn't their fault!  i would've been doing the same thing if i were there.  so instead, i instragrammed my airport meal:

pretty pathetic huh? my travel woes continued when my luggage didn't arrive (of course it didn't arrive.... i had been scheduled on at least 6 different flights in the course of the day).  luckily i had my carry-on (which i had to check in cleveland because the plane was too full) with my pj's and my toothbrush .  so after checking with the airline and giving them the address to deliver my luggage, i left with kimberlee and sara jane to head to the craft house, hoping my luggage would arrive by morning.  

when we arrived at meg's house, everyone came rushing to greet me and hug me and welcome me.  these ladies were so awesome and kind.  when i first saw meg, it just didn't seem real.  i know i sound like a crazy stalker lady but you would too if you just went through what i did to get there!  i checked out my swag, looked around the house (amazing) and tried to get acclimated all the while feeling kind of like the new girl in school.  i was sad that i missed the meet and greet, kimberlee's awesome dinner, and the first craft (the ruffled apron) but everyone assured me they'd help me catch up.  

i finally couldn't keep my eyes open any longer and went up to bed. my roommates were jessica, jessica, and heather.  super sweet women who made me feel comfortable and welcome right away.  i had no trouble falling asleep and looked forward to my first full day at craft weekend (and kimberlee's cinnamon buns for breakfast)!  i slept in the most comfortable and cozy little bed with a vintage quilt and adorable hoop art on the wall above me.  sadly, i didn't take any pictures because it was so late and i was exhausted.  but you can check out the tour of the craft house here. 

the rest of the weekend went by so fast.  stay tuned for more details and pictures!

to be continued....  

fear and letting go

i've seen this a couple of times over the last week from different sources.  both times, i really stopped and read each line, and tried to absorb each statement.  sometimes, i just read things without really taking the time to think about it or take it all in.  but for some reason, on both occasions this was before me, i truly felt the meaning behind the words.

there have been a lot of things going on in my little world that have made me weary.  i have friends who are facing uncertainty with their health, there are several children in our town who are battling cancer, a young mother of a student in my kids' school died while giving birth.  i didn't know that kind of thing still happened?  and now, her young family is left to pick up the pieces without their mother.  all of these things, and just my general state of worrying over everything, have left me tired and sad.

i am blessed with 3 healthy children, a husband who seems invincible, and a great life.  we are healthy, financially secure, and happy.  but it doesn't stop the fear and doubt from creeping in.  i must be due for some sort of crisis.  things are going too well and my luck will eventually run out, right?  when will i learn that that's not how things work?  i serve a loving god who does not punish us with illness or death or financial ruin.  we only need to put our trust in him and have faith that he will sustain us.  that doesn't mean bad things won't happen.  we live in a world where there is evil.  we have free will and we don't always make the choices we should.  but god will always provide for us.  my heart knows that but sometimes, my head gets in the way.  i let it go to a place of fear and darkness and forget that all i really need to do is lay it down.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11: 28-30

this is one of my favorite verses and it rumbles around in my head quite frequently when i am prone to worry.  i'm sure i'll be hearing it a lot in the coming days.  i'm off on an adventure, one that i never thought i'd have the chance to go on.  i'm going to craft weekend in kansas!  by myself!  oh how excited i am!  and a little  a lot nervous!  i've been praying for good weather, safe travels, and a weekend that is all that i'm hoping (i'm not really worried about that last one)!   this is way out of my comfort zone but god put it in my heart to take a chance and when my name was selected, i knew i had to go!  can't wait to meet new friends, make fun crafts, and renew my soul.  i know it will be life changing for me.  stay tuned for details!

time marches on

today marks the start of a new phase in my dad's life.  dating.  it's even weird to type that word in relation to my father.  i'm sure we'd all prefer that he not have to, that he would've had the rest of his life to be married to my mom.  but that isn't the case and it's time for him to move on.  not in a way that he'll ever forget or "get over" my mom. none of us will.  she is and will always be the most significant person responsible for much of who i am and how i want to be.  and i know my dad would give anything to have her back.  he misses her.  but he is lonely and he deserves to have some companionship in his life.  

dating at 70 something must be so intimidating.  dating at any age is.  but for my dad, it's been 50 years since he's been on a date.  he's excited and nervous.  today he is meeting a woman for lunch. it's not really a blind date because they've been talking on the phone for about a month now.  to make a long story short, one of my cousins suggested they meet.  she is also a widower and used to work for my cousin's husband.  when she described her to me, my cousin said "she's just a really nice person and uncle mike is the nicest person too."  they started out e-mailing, then chatting on the phone every day.  now, they will meet face to face.  

while i feel a little bit guilty wishing him to find happiness (without my mom), i know she would want him to be happy.  she worried so much about him and what would happen to him when she was gone.  i haven't met jeanne yet (i guess i can call her by name) but i've seen her picture and i've seen how happy it makes my dad to have someone that makes him smile.  sure, he loves to spend time with his daughters and grandkids, he has his golf buddies and is a busy guy.  but there's an excitement and a sparkle that has been missing from him for a while now.  i hope this is the start of at the least, a nice friendship.  if it grows into something more serious, i will smile and look up to the heavens for i know that my mom will be smiling right back at us.  she was that kind of person.  her family was the most important thing and our happiness was her happiness.  and i bet she and jeanne would've really liked each other.  they share a love of shopping (with coupons!) and both have the same warm, welcoming smile.  my mom will always own a big piece of my dad's heart but his heart is big enough to find room for someone else.   a few days ago, we launched some sky lanterns on my mom's birthday (she would've turned 70).  we all wrote messages on them.  i wish i had taken pictures of those messages but my dad's said simply ; 
"tis (they each called each other that, never knew why) , i still miss you alot.  love always, mike."
 i don't think any of us will ever stop missing her.  happy birthday in heaven mom!

12

today is my matthew's birthday.  he's turning twelve.  the last year before the dreaded teens.  i can't believe he is twelve.  i know all parents say that.  where does the time go?  wasn't it just yesterday he was born? learning to walk? starting kindergarten? it sure seems that way.  but now, he's twelve, and in 6 short years (half the amount of years he is now), he will be an adult. it makes me sad just to think about it.  

matt, i hope you know how much you are loved.  i hope you think of your home and your family as your safe haven.  even though you roll your eyes a lot more than i'd like and sometimes you act like you'd rather be anywhere but with us (at least i hope you're acting), i think you're a pretty great kid.  you're smart, sensitive (maybe a little bit too sensitive sometimes), and very silly.  you really love to make people laugh and you have a great sense of humor.  you started middle school this year and finished your first term with high honors.  i love your smile, your big green eyes, and your laughter.  you have the best laugh.  

this last year especially, you've grown up a lot.  i see more teenager and less of my little boy.  sometimes we clash and don't understand each other.  i hate that but i know we're going to have bumps along the way as dad and i try and teach you and train you into a responsible young man.  you've never been in trouble at school, your friends parents all love you.  and that makes me proud knowing that you give your best to the world.  you test your boundaries at home where you know you are loved unconditionally.  i think that's pretty normal kid stuff.  

i hope this year is good to you.  your first year of middle school and your last year of little league.  afterschool activities and more freedom. your first cell phone and your first "girlfriend".  tonight we will celebrate with your grandparents and you will blow out 12 candles.  i will use the same "number" candles that i have used for all your birthdays - the 1 from your first birthday when you smushed chocolate cake all over your face and your favorite thing was the balloons.  and the 2 from your second birthday when you cried as we all sang happy birthday.  i don't think any of those things will happen this time but i do hope you feel loved and special and celebrated! happy birthday mattman.  i love you more than you could ever know!

Happy New Year

here i am, up early on new year's day 2014.  i didn't spend last night celebrating at a party or nice restaurant. i didn't even make it until midnight (although matt did and he made sure to yell "2014" at the stroke of midnight and startle me out of my slumber).  truth be told, i was a little sad yesterday.  
i've never been a big fan of new year's eve.  i love the fresh start that the new year brings but the actual celebration of it has always been a little disappointing.  coupled with the fact that 2 years ago, we lost my precious mom on january 1, new year's eve just doesn't hold that much promise for me.  

this past year has had highs and lows.  i miss my mom more than ever.  my dad sold their house and we packed him up and moved him into an apartment close to me.  one more piece of my mom that i had to say goodbye to.  my kids are a little older, i have a middle schooler now.  they are both a little more independent and self-sufficient.  there's freedom in that for me but also sadness that i'm not needed as much as i once was.  

my husband has worked harder this year than ever (and i didn't think that was even possible).  his business has grown and we are more financially secure thanks to him.  we took a great vacation in april to sanibel florida but skipped our annual trip to matunuck, partially due to busier schedules. 
on the homefront, we've made some progress on completing the garage, hosted family for a 75th birthday party for my father-in-law, and i've renewed my teaching certificate so hopefully, i will be back in the classroom this year.  

this coming year, more than anything, i want to put my health first.  not just physically, but spiritually and emotionally.  i want to make healthy choices in all areas of my life.  fact is, i can be easily disappointed.  i expect a lot from people (at least that's what i'm told) and am often disappointed when people let me down.  they might not even know they've let me down (because i wouldn't want to tell anyone they've hurt me and make them feel bad!) but i get my feelings hurt easily.  i take on my kids hurts and disappointments and can't quite let go of them. they get over them a lot faster than i do!  

 i've come to realize that there are some people in my life who just make me feel bad. i can't quite explain why but i walk away feeling unsettled or unhappy about myself.  and why do i need to be around people like that?  because we have a past?  because our kids are friends?  it just isn't worth it to me anymore and this year, i only want to surround myself with people who make me feel good.  life is too short for anything else.  

i can't change my basic nature.  i'm a pleaser.  i like to help people and make them happy.  but if it comes at the expense of my own happiness, and i feel resentful about it later, it isn't worth it.  certainly there are things in life you do just because it's the right thing to do.  you put others needs above your own and you make sacrifices for those you love.  but if you're always the one making the sacrifices, if you're always the one going out of your way and you don't feel good about it, then it's probably not worth it. there are plenty of opportunities to do good and help others that are appreciated and would be reciprocated if the tables were turned.  that's where i want to focus my energies. i don't ask a lot from people and i always try to put myself in others' shoes. but sometimes, i think i give the benefit of the doubt a little too much.  
so my goal for this year is to make healthy choices - for my family, for my body, for my mental well being.  

here's to a healthy 2014!